Forgiveness: You're kidding me? Right!?

And by no means will this be content based in the context of religion.

Are you hurt? Suffering?
Is this a new injury? Is this an old sore?
Do you feel outraged? Wronged? 
Are you living in wait for retaliation? revenge?

Ok...so now what?


​What Do You Know About Forgiveness?
If you're like most people in their awareness of forgiveness, there is a strong context related to religion when it comes to discussing this topic. Faith, Hope and Charity are close contextual cousins to forgiveness in the religious context.  Though I am not diminishing the importance to relate to forgiveness in arena of religion, I am writing about forgiveness for everyone to learn to apply.  A massively important life and relationship skill for all.

Meriam Websters definition of the word Forgive is: 

• to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone)
• : to stop feeling anger about (something) : to forgive someone for (something wrong)
• : to stop requiring payment of (money that is owed)
  
  
•  to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgive an insult>b :  to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>
• to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) :  pardon <forgive one's enemies>

First and foremost you must understand that forgiveness is a learned skill.  
A life and relationship skill that is a must to know and practice in order to create a life of inner freedom, fulfillment and spiritual abundance.  In 'spiritual' I refer to the human aspect of belief that there is something bigger than ourselves.

As with learning any life or relationship skill that we teach, there is a formula or process that if followed will yield you the healthiest results.
There is way out of your hurt and suffering.  It starts with your wanting to be something different.  
Once you've decided you've had enough hurt and suffering you can then get committed to learning your way through this experience.  
​And commitment it will take!

​The Powerful Benefits of Forgiving
As modern research has evolved this topic, the findings clearly show that the practice of forgiveness transforms people.
A list of the health benefits from learning the skill and applying forgiveness include, but not limited to;

• improved mental and emotional wellbeing
• improved physical condition due to the reduction of the stress caused to body
• reduction in depression
• decrease in anger
• improved relationship connections
• increase is self confidence
• increased feelings of hope

Do I need to include the list of negative effects on you from not learning or practicing the skill of forgiving?

• heart damage from consistent stress
• soul damage from the metaphorical poisons produced from carrying resentment, anger, rage and revenge.
• high blood pressure
• heart disease
• chronic stress illnesses
• increased anxiety, 
• insomnia
• ulcers
• migraines
• backaches
• heart attacks
• and....even cancer

Forgiveness is not easy and it is also not:

• weakness
• ignorance
• a path around justice

​

"Underneath the sheath we call life and all it's happenings is a strong desire to live amongst this planet in harmony."   
                                                              ~ Desmund Tutu, The Book of Forgiving

Are You Ready To Learn The Skill of Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves.  Almost a cliche and yet so very very true!​
​
After the violence/cruelty comes the hurt/harm/loss and then the pain.
It is in the pain that we then choose the next stage of the cycle.   It is in the pain we are choosing this destiny.  This is why it is so important to learn the skill of forgiveness.  The fork in the road offers you the choice to heal or to harm.
You can see just from paying attention to your own inner reaction to the previous sentence how important that decision is.
From the choice to heal you can then step into Desmond Tutu's Forgiveness Cycle.
From the choice of harm you will then move through the cycles of rejecting connecting with others, pursue revenge/retaliation/payback and back possibly repeating the cycle again into violence/cruelty.  
This is where people who say, "bad things happen to me all the time" are practicing the negative cycle within varying degrees of hurt/harm/loss to varying levels of pain.

Your Path To Healing and Forgiveness (as outlined in Desmond Tutu's book, The Book of Forgiving)

1.) Telling Your Story

• requires you to speak the truth.
• state the facts
• tell to a trusted source like a friend, loved one, trusted source (coach, therapist), 
• write a letter to persecutor or if possible tell the story to them
• acceptance of the event and that it cannot be changed or undone.

2.) Naming Your Hurt 

• what are the feelings within the facts of the story
• remind yourself that no feeling is wrong, bad or invalid
• know the stages of grief and honour, recognize wherever you are
• find that trusted someone who will acknowledge you, listen and not fix your feelings
• accept that you are human and vulnerable
• prepare to move forward when ready

3.) Granting Forgiveness 

• It is only your choice to forgive
• You will grow through forgiving
• Forgiving will move you from victim to hero in your own story
• You will recognize healing when you are able to tell a new story.

OR Needing Forgiveness

• Gather support as you need
• Admit the wrong
• Witness the suffering and apologize
• Ask for Forgiveness
• Make amends
• Honour your sufferer's choice to renew or release your relationship

OR Forgiving Yourself

• Forgive the past mistake
• Seek Forgiveness from your victim
• Connect with others, Isolation does not heal us.  Connection is how we develop compassion for ourselves and others.

4.) Renewing or Releasing the Relationship 
(though not its' own chapter in the book, as a relationship trainer/coach, this step is as powerful as the others Desmond mentions.

This is where new positive life experiences are created.  The choice.
You can step into co creating a new relationship with the other or make a choice to release the relationship in full.  

​From the perspective of pain, you will not see how co creating would work, but from full forgiveness you will see what is possible for you, for both of you.

A quote I have always appreciated in my business and now overlays in my personal life is by Albert Einstein.



Your Next Step

I recommend Desmond Tutu's book.  Purchase in hard form or audible or both.  As this will be a huge resource for working through each event that needs the attention of forgiveness in your life.
At the same time, find that trusted someone to work with. A friend, family, coach, therapist. Do not wait any longer to resolve these harmful outstanding issues.

As always, I am here as you need,
Keep an eye for upcoming workshops I will be offering around the topic of Forgiveness

Yes, I'm Ready To Forgive!